I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
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but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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