We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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