it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
