M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
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I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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