I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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