My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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