I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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