he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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