i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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