Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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