You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
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I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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