Umm I'm too high to move.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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