I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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