you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
