dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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