so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
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You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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