He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
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I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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