I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
