You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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