you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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