Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
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he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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