Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
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I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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