Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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