1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize