You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just high enough for therapy.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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