I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
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how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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