Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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