i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
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There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
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Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You don't make any sense
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