Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
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I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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