when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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