I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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