true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize