if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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