I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize