I got chris browned last night
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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