Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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