Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
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The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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