you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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