Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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