woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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