Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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