Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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