she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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