Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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