This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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