HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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