so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
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donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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