for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize