So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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