Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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