dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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